“You just look… Like you should be headed for a nice home and a nice simple life. No offense. We’ll have to work on that.”
“Goddamnit, [Professor Favorite]… So fuckin’ off message. I hate it when he gets like that.”
“Suz… Suzanne, right?… *cocks head to side, looks intently into my eyes* Why are you so tall?”
“So like, what made you make that final decision? I mean, I see the buildup you’ve given me, I see what you did with that nice arc there, but really…”
These are the things you did today:
You woke up on time. You showered and ate breakfast. You put on makeup. You walked in the bright morning sunshine. You got to work on time and worked a long solid shift. You talked and laughed with your coworkers. You got a compliment from your manager. You ate a big, healthful lunch. You stayed late but only because you wanted to help and you had the time and you could use the money, not because you felt pressured.
You walked in the breezy warm afternoon. You took a nap, but only because you had the time and you were actually tired, not because you were avoiding anything. You talked to your sister and your boyfriend. You checked in with lots of other friends.
You called your lead back, and you texted your second lead. You texted your two coworkers who are waiting to hear from you. You emailed two professors, your advisor and your therapist.
You ate an actual supper, including fruits and vegetables and milk and protein. You drank some water. You washed your face and brushed your teeth and put on pajamas and turned out the light in your bedroom. You set an alarm for the morning.
You still got to read a little fanfiction and a little Tumblr. If you’d wanted to, you could have gone out this evening or been with friends; you made the conscious decision to stay home instead so you can be rested tomorrow and have fun in the evening.
Tomorrow, you can do some work, you can get some reading done, you can meet with one or two people, you can catch up with your roommate, you can keep writing your parents an email, you can email the last remaining professor. You can eat a good lunch and make a good supper and start preparing some good food to eat next week. On Sunday, you can sleep late, and have some more meetings, and finish your homework for the weekend, and maybe see a friend, and go to dance practice.
Who knows what will happen then? But whatever it is, please remember this.
Remember how this feels. Remember what it’s like to take care of yourself. Remember it’s never as hard as it seems like it’s going to be. Remember that people who reach out and ask if you need help are on your side. Remember that this is how you choose to do what feels good—remember this is so much better than avoiding and delaying and hiding and ignoring all your needs. Remember how well you’re going to sleep tonight. Remember how this day will fuel the health and orderliness of future days.
Remember that you can come back to this place even when you’ve been away for awhile. Remember that the hole has never been so deep that you can’t climb out. Remember that a period of weakness does not mean you will never be strong again.
every once in awhile
when I look at my dance partner, like from a distance, and actually am able to internalize/connect with the fact that he is super attractive according to a ~certain type. Nice face with strong cheekbones, bright blue eyes, dark blond hair, ripped body with the whole “broad shoulders tapering to a small waist” thing (swimmer V included), dresses attractively.
And he’s one of those people whose personality completely shines through his appearance. He’s clean-cut to the Nth degree but very approachable and really puts people at ease, which makes his attractiveness warm and relatable, rather than arrogant, stand-offish or so moral as to be uninteresting. He has a strong sense of self; he’s outrageously considerate and supportive as a friend; he’s extremely motivated and organized as a student and as a leader at his job and extracurricular activities. But he’s not boring—he’s delightfully open, funny, unashamed of his oddness and nerdy quirks. Of course it helps that he’s an excellent dancer, too.
Despite all this, however, his ~type is SO NOT my type that whenever I’m within ten feet of him I’m incapable of thinking of him as anything but my crazy weird awesome dance partner with whom I can do full-on face-to-face body rolls without a hint of genuine flirtation or sexual tension. I’m not one for the all-American boys. I’m not typically attracted to people who have all their shit together all the time. I just find it so amusing, how we have such a great relationship as partners but I would never ever date him.
Sitting in a coffee shop in Austin, reading American Gods and checking Tumblr, listening to a strange indie-folk-rock singer play a free unofficial-SXSW show, eating a handmade vegan giant peanut-butter cup… I’m genuinely enjoying it, though. Does the lack of irony redeem me from hipsterdom?
